One Small Step

“Mom, wait.” Jake pleads from the backseat just as I’m ready to step out of the car. 

Since we are always in a hurry, no matter where we go, I am instantly annoyed.

“Why, Jake?”

He then holds up his hand and, between his thumb and index finger, produces a shiny white pearl; his tooth.

“This was bothering me,” he explains. 

So we find him a tissue to bite to stop his now bleeding gum where his molar once lived.

And while waiting for that to stop bleeding, he says, “Wait one more minute.”

“There you go, “ he says, grinning at my dismay, hand outstretched, with the culprit in his palm.

Just that fast he yanks out another tooth leaving two gaping holes in his mischievous smile.

With that, he is ready to go about the business of his day.  No drama, no fanfare, just the get-it-done attitude we love so much about him.

Maybe it’s because he is the second child, but Jake has always been quick to make decisions, and has little tolerance for those who can’t.  His desire to please is only out paced by his desire to be the first to please.

When it comes to big decisions that weigh heavily on some, like Halloween costumes, new shoes or menu choices, he knows with a moment’s consideration what he will wear, buy and eat. 

But his confidence and swagger come from living in a world of known commodities where he is capable and in charge.

This fall walking into the new world of middle school he felt neither.

Accustomed to the man with the plan running the show, I was surprised and caught off guard when the days leading up to middle school found someone entirely different staring up into my eyes, battering me with endless questions and potential scenarios of disaster in the unfamiliar halls he would soon be walking.

“What if I get lost?”

“What if I forget my combination?”

“What if the older kids are mean?”

“What if I don’t have friends in my class?”

No matter how many times we explained, or consoled, or visited the school he remained steadfastly mired in panic.

It finally dawned on me that his feelings were based not just on fear of the new experience, but the realization that he may not have anything to compare this feeling to in his memorable life.  He was experiencing these feelings for the first time, and was seeing the world through a fun house mirror, where nothing appeared as it should.

I agonized with him on the inside, knowing full well that in the end he would survive just fine, but feeling badly that no matter what I did or said it wouldn’t really matter; this was his path to walk alone.

Finally the day arrived.  He couldn’t choke down a bite of breakfast.  He wished out loud he didn’t have to go. And even dropping him off, he turned as he left to moan out loud one more time.

Not since kindergarten had I felt this way driving away. The day took an eternity to pass.  I thought of him constantly.

And finally it was time to pick him up.

“That was easy!” he declared steadfastly as he jumped in the car, all worries evaporated like a day in the life of a middle school mom.

And just that fast his equilibrium was back; his clock was back in sync.  But I knew a little part of him had stretched and grown, in just this one day, he was forever changed, another stepping stone crossed, the same boy as before, but now, with even more ammo in his arsenal to attack life fully armed as he always has, and with luck always will.

Half Way There

There is a pile of inside-out socks lying on the floor of my youngest son’s bedroom.  This is the case every laundry day.  He is in too big a hurry to turn them the right way when he takes them off and leaving them for him to fix is my way of protesting, as ineffective as it may be.  This is the story of his life.  He was born in a hurry and he’s been in a rush to get on to the next thing ever since.

In the last several weeks the whole family has been scrambling to get it all done.  We feel summer slipping between our fingers just like beach sand.  This fall my hurry up kid races his way off to school for the 7^th time.  For the first time it won’t be our old familiar grade school.  Instead he joins his brother in Middle School.

For the last couple of years, back to school has felt like a breeze.  Having done it for so many years in a row I’ve prided myself on my ability to be organized, and efficient at navigating through it all in a speedy no nonsense way.   What I didn’t realize is, that efficiency also gave me the chance to speed through the process and ignore the passing years until suddenly, this year, one small bit of nonsense did get in the way.  The tiny little issue that keeps nagging at me. This is the “halfway there” year for the baby.  As we enter his 6^th grade year I realize that after this one he has just that many left; six more back to school days, six more school supply blitzes, six more school pictures, six more lockers to fill, six more summers to enjoy.  And I know how fast we got here, so that can only mean one thing; I’ll be looking back on this six years in the blink of an eye.

How can that be?  Time really does fly by.  I know I meant it when I said it as he walked into Kindergarten for the first time.  How could he have passed through toddlerdom that fast?  How could he already be walking into school?  But now, I really mean it. Now I really know.  Now I can say with real conviction, the days are long but the years are short. And just that fast our youngest is poised to enter that next phase of his life just as he was when we sent him walking through those doors of elementary school wearing that oddly oversized backpack, ready to take on all the new challenges ahead of him.  Now, his back pack may fit better, but I know he’s still the same hurry up guy he was those few short years ago, he’s just dashing through different doors.  Back then he loudly and enthusiastically shouted, “Love you mama!” as he raced into school each day.  Now days when I drop him off he’s just as enthusiastic, but he shows his affection with a quieter send off, never leaving without turning to very deliberately mouth the words, “Love you!” before slamming the door and taking off.  Each time I soak in the moment and hope he doesn’t out grow it, ever.

My mom used to say to me when the kids were younger,  “When they ask you to play don’t say no, because before you know it they will stop asking.”  No truer words could be spoken.  Each of the last few days of summer I took time for just a few minutes to quietly appreciate where we are at right now and who my boys are at 11 and 13 and, poised at the starting line of the next race, looked for every opportunity to play that I could get; before the push, push, push of homework, and rush of activities, and before the next lecture on turning the socks right side out.

As Luck Would Have It

Before we had kids, sacrifice meant we were giving up a vacation, or putting off a purchase, or working longer hours to climb the corporate ladder.  But all that changed when we had our boys.

Now days, sacrifice cuts a little deeper.  It frequently revolves around the almost impossibly insane schedule kept by my husband, Craig Coshun.   I am overwhelmed quite frequently by the depth of sacrifice he makes for us to stay afloat, to have a family with one parent at home who is able to cater to the kids the way we had always hoped to, and to manage a work life that is by all accounts as hectic as they come.  And yet, like so many working parents, and indeed most caregivers of children, adults or simply those unable to care for themselves, he has little knowledge of the importance of his tremendous acts of selflessness.  In fact, there really is no way for him to understand fully what a gift he is to the rest of us.

So often the rewards for the hours and days and weeks he spends away from his family are vague and hard to come by, as the old saying goes, hard work is it’s own reward.  And, too often, the precious time he does have at home, is unspectacular and bogged down by the mundane day-to-day activities that keep the household running and a family ticking. 

In the summer, Brewers baseball is his second family, where Craig is able to enjoy a rare opportunity to fulfill a boyhood dream, working in his home state, at a job he loves.  The good fortune is not lost on him, and he frequently tells people it beats getting a “real” job.  But the three of us back at home know better.  We have a crystal clear understanding of the sacrifice he makes each time he drives away, knowing in the rear view mirror he’s leaving behind our 13 year old pitching, knowing that other fathers are going with their sons on a campout, knowing that it’s the end of the year piano recital he won’t see again this year, knowing it’s another bedtime, or birthday, or anniversary that will have to wait.

But the truly amazing thing is, every so often, on a rare day off or unscheduled moment of down time, he is somehow miraculously treated to the most delightful special moments.  These are the times I hope will sustain him through the lonely hours away, far from the hustle and bustle that is our life here raising two middle school sports nuts.

The best example happened just a couple of weeks ago.  The stars aligned and he would get to see Jake, our youngest, play baseball, something that’s only happened a handful of times this season.  Both of them were thrilled and excited, but they never could have predicted what a day they would share.

It happened like this; the game was tied going into the final half inning.  At the middle of the inning, Craig anxiously told me he thought Jake would get to bat.  His nervous energy won’t allow him to sit for a single out of the game, but his pacing picked up as he informed me, “Jake’s in the hole.”  The first batter had gotten on base and as Jake prepared for his turn at bat, the next batter also landed on base. 

“Jakes on deck,” he mumbled to me as he briskly walked back and forth behind the bleachers, “This is so nerve wracking!”

I laughed on the inside knowing how he was feeling because it is all too familiar to me.  But for Craig, this unbearable yet delicious excitement mixed with nerves was almost too much to take.

Finally it was Jakes turn to step up to the plate.  The batter ahead of him had gotten on base.  A runner stood poised on every base.  A hit wins the game, the situation a baseball announcer relishes, waiting for the adrenalin rush to make the big call.  But the tables were turned, and now the dream situation rendered this baseball announcer breathless and wracked with anxiety. 

Our son took his place in the batters box and promptly took two swings for two strikes. 

Craig was literally hanging on the fence.

“Come on Jake!” he encouraged him.

The next three pitches narrowly missed his head, one sending him twirling to the dirt. 

Full count.

The next pitch came fast and hard, a great pitch by a talented pitcher.  It was just what Jake and his dad had hoped for, a hit!

I stood up to cheer as the winning run headed for the plate, but Craig was watching the left fielder, who had turned and was running toward the fence.  It was a good hit, but to our amazement the ball kept right on sailing over the fence!

A grand slam home run!  We all cheered wildly as Jake rounded each base, and headed for his waiting team at home plate.  Craig was literally jumping up and down beating the fence above his head.

“Did you see that?” he turns and shouts to me. “Wow! How about that!”

The thrill of a lifetime at the age of 10 shared with a father who would have been heartbroken to hear it over the phone but who instead, poured out his enthusiasm for so many missed moments into this one that could not have been any better in a movie.

And now weeks later I can’t stop marveling at it, the unlikelihood of that scenario ever happening to a player, and the fact that his usually absent dad witnessed the whole thing.   It’s unbelievable and yet so perfect.  I’m not sure if it was divine intervention, or the planets being positioned properly or just good karma. I do know hard work may be it’s own reward but this is so much better!   

Music to My Ears

When John was two years old he was already a veteran at music class.  He’d been attending since he was an infant when he would sit in my lap and we would bounce to the rhythm, or I would tap his knees or clap his hands.  As he grew, we listened to music almost every night at bedtime.  We sang during the day and played CD’s that he eventually knew by heart.

As he got older, and continued in his weekly music class, the children of course, became more engaged in the activities, dancing, playing instruments, waving scarves and taking part in organized wiggling.  But John was so very bashful he would never join in.  Each week he would sit quietly in my lap and observe the silly antics of the others.  No amount of encouragement or coaxing could entice him to join in.  Each week his wonderful and wise instructor would lightly and gently say to us, “That’s ok, he’s getting it right where he is.”  I would be consumed with worry on the inside and she would instinctively say, “Don’t worry, he is just fine, he is taking it all in and he will join in his own time you’ll see.”

Week after week my toddler would timidly observe from a safe distance as his teacher routinely passed beautiful wooden tone bars and a mallet to each child, and we would all sing while each played a special rhythm, and then each child pass the bars to the next child.  Each week when it came to his turn, John would stare down at his hands folded in his lap, chubby knuckle to chubby knuckle, and refuse to look up.

            His wise and wonderful teacher would flash that carefree, no worries in the world smile at him anyway and say brightly, “That’s OK John, “ and move on without skipping a beat.

I can remember my heart sinking each time, as I rested my chin on the top of his quiet little head, each of us staring straight ahead, lost in our own mommy and son thoughts.

Finally the last class of the summer session, I watched as the little girl next to John gently sat the tone bars on the floor in front of him and reached out to hand him the mallets.  His turn had come again, and finally, he gingerly reached out and took the mallets from her and ever so softly began tapping out his little two-tone melody, but it sounded like a symphony to my ears.  His wise and wonderful teacher caught my eye and even though we didn’t share words, we shared every bit of that triumphant moment as we witnessed John step out of his private world of protection into a brave new place for him.  I will never forget it.

It is just one of dozens of life’s most precious moments shared with our wonderful and wise music teacher, Jan Vidruk, or “Miss Jan” as she reluctantly allows my boys to refer to her.  She has been a part of both of my son’s lives for almost 13 years.  The brilliant and magical program my sons have had the privlidge to take part in includes music, drumming, stories, pretending, acting, and songs as well as hundreds of things they have no idea they’ve even learned.  Things I have been humming to them since they were infants, they didn’t know why, later, when they were learning to play those same songs on the piano that they sounded so familiar.  They have learned that waving a scarf up as the notes go up and down as the notes go down is a fun game.  They didn’t know they were learning about musical scales.  They have learned that tapping certain rhythms goes with certain songs.  They didn’t know they were learning, quarter notes, 8^th notes and 16^th notes or ¾ time.  Never mind the research that shows correlation between music and learning, I can show the correlation between music and joy.  I have seen it, felt it, sung it, celebrated it. 

The only thing more amazing than what these little musicians learn, is the dedication and devotion to the world of music demonstrated day in and day out by our wise and wonderful teacher, who, in her spare time, dedicates hours to promoting the combination of music and movement taught simultaneously, as my children have had the opportunity to learn.  If it is a new concept to you and you are interested in music or teaching, I urge you to check out her passion, the Early Childhood Music and Movement Association, ECMMA, which is holding it’s International Convention in Green Lake Wisconsin in August.  Find them at www.ecmma.org

My hope is that more wise and wonderful teachers will be born from this international convention in our own backyard, and that more children will have the amazing opportunity that mine have had, to experience music and movement melded into a seamless program from tapping their knees to tapping the keyboard and carrying them into middle school band or orchestra or choir, and beyond, to a lifetime that includes music.

That's When I Knew I Was Pretending

             It’s the middle of the night and my dog, Bucky, is beside my bed panting in my face and pacing about in nervous frustration.  In spite of the fact that he is losing his hearing, and he has cataracts that make his vision poor, he is still the first in the family to know a thunderstorm is coming.  Once I gather my senses, I can see the room lighting up and realize there is lightening close by.  After being with our family for seven years, Bucky has never once even raised his head during a battering down-pour, or batted an eyelash in ear splitting thunder; until now.  No one knows what triggered his change of heart, but he certainly is not happy or able to calm himself while a storm moves through. 

It’s just another sign of change around here that I am trying to ignore.  We don’t know exactly how old Bucky is, but we do know he’s a senior citizen.  His white face gives him away.  And there are other signs.  We have to talk him into eating breakfast in the morning.  He’s not as fast on his walks as he used to be.  And he sometimes seems confused about all the activity around here. I know how he feels, but my reaction to his sure signs of aging, is to pretend I don’t see, to fool myself into keeping Bucky young and spry. 

The same defense I’ve been using to disguise all the emotions I feel as our youngest makes his way through the last days of elementary school.  Can it be possible that we will leave this building behind?  I had tricked myself into believing that I would not have to do this, that it would not happen to me, that my baby would somehow defy the odds and live in some sort of suspended world where he never aged beyond the perfect years of innocence here in the early grades of learning.  I have been able to sleepwalk through the talk of end of year parties, and 5^th grade celebrations. 

But now the warm summer breezes are blowing through my living room and we are somehow suddenly here.  We’ve somehow arrived at the place I liked to think I wasn’t going to get to.  Here before my eyes is the date on the calendar, circled and starred, and highlighted with exclamation marks; the last day of school, the last day of life as we know it, in the familiar easy routine we have grown accustomed to since, just two weeks after he became old enough to go to school, we sent Jake bravely walking through these doors into his new exciting phase of life.  And now, in a mere blink, we are closing those doors up tight. Can it even be possible? 

But of course it is.  This boy on the verge of young man is bursting at the seams to bust out of these doors, to race into the next phase, to tackle middle school at full tilt, just as he attacked grade school, without a glance in the rear view mirror. 

And as I dig in my heels to slow it all down I realize it’s time to let go and embrace his moment in the sun, here as king of the grade school, and just run with him.

And in case I want to hide my head in the sand and pretend, as I would like to, that it’s not really happening, the school is coming to my rescue with proof positive that he’s moving on. 

The tradition at Jake’s school is that next year’s 5^th graders celebrate the outgoing class of 5^th graders by showering them with cheers and confetti as they literally walk through a tunnel of familiar faces leading them smiling and laughing into their next phase of life. The entire thing takes only a few seconds, and yet the symbolism and irony hangs there heavy for me like a silent movie taking it’s time to sink in.  

With just enough time to grab a quick picture if I’m lucky, I will feel rushed to capture the moment before it’s past, and just as I do, the school assembly is over, the kids are out the door and the confetti covered gym is quiet.  One phase ended and another begun, so simply and so out of my control, despite my efforts to the contrary.

And so, I do the only thing I know how to do now, put a smile on my face, and begin to pretend that middle school will never lead to the next step.   

Getaway

It was months in the planning, and the effort was nothing short of organizing a peace summit.  Of course the chance to leave town for even a day or two without taking the children along is a crazy notion due to the excessive planning, orchestrating of schedules and inconvenience to others who bear the responsibility for my children in my absence.  But this time would be even crazier since we were talking about a full week away.  Seven days hanging out in California sounded so delightful even I didn’t balk at the work involved to pull it off.  At least not while I was booking my travel.

            It wasn’t until reality set in a few days later and the true advance work got underway.  My parents would be summoned to care for the children, neighbors and friends would be called upon to help with carting them from event to event.  The house would need to be in order, laundry done, guest quarters prepared, insurance information would be disseminated to all the appropriate parties, schedules printed out with instructions for daily routines like allergy pills and bed time reading.  Of course as the days grew closer, the incredible stress of getting it all done grew ever heavier leading to lists being made to remember the last list.  I found myself at times standing in random rooms in a complete stupor so overwhelmed by the amount of tasks to be finished that it rendered me unable to decide where to start.  One day I found myself putting fresh broccoli away in the pantry. 

            What would I forget to pack? What if I forgot something important for the kids?  What if I missed my connecting flight in Chicago?  When the day before my departure arrived I was thrilled. I couldn’t wait to escape all this madness I had created.  And the day passed like a flash before my eyes.  I was packing in a frenzy, since of course I left my own planning and preparation until the last minute.  In an instant I was saying good night to two tearful boys and suddenly everything changed.  Suddenly all I could think of is, “What if something goes wrong?”  What if one of them is sick or gets hurt?  What if something happens to me?  What if this was all a huge mistake? Maybe I should never have decided to go?  Even taking off the in the early hours of the following morning I still had apprehension about my decision.

            It wasn’t’ until my body was adjusting to California time that I finally came to my senses.  I began to realize how much we parents needed time away, time to ourselves, time to be two instead of four, time to invest in us.  And each day I was separated from those two parts of me back home was a day I learned more about the boys they have become and the mom I have become.  We talked and texted and laughed and missed each other and we all grew in our own ways to appreciate each other a little more, to pine away for hugs and old familiar routine that we sometimes take for granted.  In the end, I couldn’t wait to see them, at the foot of the stairs at the airport.  I swear they had grown, and not just in inches.  We all did.  I am so happy that all the planning, daunting execution, and exhausting travel was worth it for all of us.  Now I just have to decide where to go next!

The More Things Change The More They Stay The Same

“Maaaa-Maaaaa!” 

The wailing is coming from my first born from down the hall.  He was about 15 months old, standing in his “cribbie”, as we called it back then, shaking the railings and letting us all know how mad he was.  It was the culmination of days and weeks of preparation by his dad and I, after careful consultation with his pediatrician, books, magazines, relatives, and friends.   John was going to have to learn to sooth himself at bed and naptime and this was the day we determined we would let him cry it out despite pleas to “sing song mommy!”

As the firstborn child to parents who put off having children until later in their professional working careers, he was perhaps overly welcomed into the world having his every whim catered to without delay. So this rude jolt to his system didn’t pass quietly. 

Standing in the bathroom with the fan vent blowing full blast I was crying as much, if not more, than my sweet, sweet baby down the hall.  I remember the complete emotional upheaval my body endured that day and the following days as he managed to learn how to fall asleep without the lengthy routine we had grown into over time; the routine that I loved beyond words in the beginning with gentle rocking and humming but one that eventually became so drawn out and frankly so ridiculously demanding requiring actual stealth maneuvers leaving his room after his little princely eyelashes had finally closed, that we came to this point.

I was so grateful when it had passed; I never dreamed I would battle that same war again a few years later when, at 3 it was time to go to sleep without a “nook” to pacify him.  We had tried every tactic we could think of to encourage him to give up his habit on his own.  But naturally, expecting him to break his own habit and spare me the toll of taking it from him was out of the question.  And so, we explained, reasoned, and finally walked out of the room of a sobbing 3 year old and down the hall to have my own emotional breakdown, mourning the difficult decision to let go of another milestone in this journey we had not expected to be so heart wrenching.

And so it’s been with my oldest all these years, true to his earliest nature, the cautious observer, the one to hold on as long as possible to the familiar, to cling tightly to routine and never stray far from the comforts of home.

That’s why preschool found me again, sitting in my car in the parking lot, head against the steering wheel, again searching my soul for strength to drive away from the pleading outstretched arms and tear stained chubby cheeks standing just inside the red door a dozen feet away.  How tempted I was to just sweep him up and take him back home and just do it all another day.  How tempting it was to try and fool time, and actually hold on as tightly as he was to the moment I really didn’t want to pass either.

I remember once actually returning to the same preschool to say good bye again a half an hour after I realized I had forgotten to slow down and wave at the window where he stood each day for the final glimpse of mama driving away.

And so, is it any wonder now, as he stands at the threshold of another turning point in his life that I would simply like to stop time and allow him to just wait a little while longer for it to happen.  And is it any wonder that my boy, a teenager now, hesitates to embrace all the freedoms, changes, rebellions and experiences that await him on the other side.

And so, here we stand, his father and I, again debating our age old story with this beautiful, blue eyed teenager who we love more than life itself but we know won’t mature without a nudge.  So, it should come as no surprise that it is once again upon me, this feeling I keep thinking I have left behind at a stage long passed but instead it seeps in through all of my pores, all of my senses, and pulls at my heart.  I am again standing at the edge of change, preparing myself as much as my son for the task at hand, the next steps of growing up that are so much less clear cut and simple as giving up a nook, but just as important in the journey as changing from an infant, to a toddler, to a boy and now to a young man.  All we have to do now is jump.