Higher Altitude

They are like flashing lights along the highway.  They are the unnecessary Christmas decoration you don’t need but buy anyway.  They are so ridiculous and yet so tempting.

They are calling my name, but I laugh out loud at the very thought of them.

They are the shoes I keep seeing everywhere I look.  Heels that take high heels to the next level.  All the stars have them on T.V.  They are hot with a capital H.  And so naturally I think I should have them, too.  

They are platform high heels, like strapping actual blocks of wood on the balls of your feet, added to the giant riser under your heel. They must measure a full six inches from sole to top of the heel.   They’re the type of shoe that rock bands made famous back in the 70’s.

But now, all these years later I look around and I think they look incredible when I see them on the American Idol’s. I turn my head when I walk past them on the store shelf and I wonder how I would look in a pair of those. 

It’s no different than my boys when they found the design-your-own shoes page on the Nike website.  They created dozens of multi colored one-of-a-kind shoes that would “only” cost hundreds of dollars and would fit them for all of 6 months before they were too small or too worn-out.  But that didn’t stop them from trying to get a pair in their closet.  In spite of their desperate, head turned, drawn out, red-faced “Pleeeaaaaasssseeee?” I said no.

But that’s not helping me now. These shoes are different.  These are my feet.

I realize how impractical and frankly dangerous they must be, but that can’t stop me from daydreaming.

So, I finally strapped a pair on my own two feet.  They made me feel a little shot of adrenaline when I slipped them on.  And before I ever stood up I noticed a difference, a BIG difference.  My knees were elevated high above my thighs at an odd and alarming angle.

I am here to tell you, standing in these things took me to a new level in the atmosphere.  I felt like I was wearing actual stilts.  I got an entirely new perspective of the shoe department and in fact the entire world up there.  I felt like an awkward giraffe.  I was as tall as some NBA players.  And since I am not naturally gifted with grace, I felt actual fear knowing that I had become an accident waiting to happen if I intended to do anything other than stand in front of a mirror.

But wow, what a thrill they were.  It was a little like that old Jim Carey movie Mask.  Once they’re on your feet you become someone else.  And for the briefest of moments, I thought about pulling the trigger.

Then, I came back to reality.  Would I wear them to little league games?  A movie?  Out to dinner?  Out of my house?  I can’t picture what actual event I have in my near or distant future that I would have the occasion to wear these.  I would be a full 7 inches taller than my husband.  I’m pretty sure we would have to text each other from that distance.  I don’t think I could drive in them, I couldn’t reach the wheel with my seat that far back plus moving from the gas pedal to the brake would be like driving with two by fours.

So, as much as I would love to break out of my mold and live dangerously, I’m putting my high-heeled foot down and saying the same practical, “No” that I gave my kids.  I’m instead planning on appreciating them from afar.  But trust me, if you’re wearing them this summer I will be watching and a part of me will be jealous.